28 days

28 days until my contract ends in Spain. Will I return to the US? More than likely, yes. Do I have a return flight booked? No. Do I have the funds to book one? Also, no. I’m not really worried about the logistics of returning home, I just am not sure how it’ll happen at the moment. Many things are uncertain as this moment in time, but I suppose that is all what life is – a series of uncertainties that unfold before our eyes. Life’s plans and our own may not always be our own, but eventually, they become our reality. Right now, I’m excited about the uncertainty. I have to be. So much of the internal work on myself these past few months has been shifting my mindset, going from glass-half-empty mentality to glass-half-full. I’d be lying if I said the negative thoughts don’t creep in and try to amplify their presence, but they serve no purpose. The perceived dangers of my mind aren’t really dangers – especially things like finding a job or coming up with money for a return ticket – these are simply inconveniences. I am, however, tired of habits that leave me in situations like this. At 36, I can be excited about the unknown, but not completely unprepared for it.

For years, I saw myself doing other things because others did them. I began playing violin in sixth grade because my elementary school best friend, Stephen, began the year prior. Perhaps it’s the Aries in me, but I am extremely competitive and wanted to be better than him at something. Funny thing is, Stephen and I no longer attended school together after fifth grade, however, I continued to play violin for rest of my academic career, making in to All-State the last two years of high school and taking enough classes in university to earn a concentration. Now, I pick up the violin about twice a year with feeble attempts to play concertos from memory, lamenting at the bygone abilities. Years of playing the violin with no clear end goal planned. In my defense, I began playing at eleven which isn’t exactly an age where people figure things out. But I also didn’t know how to navigate taking lessons once I completed university eleven years later. There was no plan, there never was. For eleven years, I developed a talent that I let fall to the wayside all because I had no plan.

I’m not trying to be that guy anymore. I’m not that guy anymore. Make a decision – stick to it. If it turns out that I do not like the decision, I made, pivot. But pivot with intention. My biggest hurdle to overcome is finances. Luckily, I am not someone with a lot of credit card debt, a majority of my debt is from student loans. Those are manageable, hell, in my mind, they’re nonexistent. Oops. Now overdrafting is where my star shines brightest. I’ve been overdrafting since my student checking account, which if you’re keeping track, that’s more years than I played violin. Budgeting and I do not stick. We have been frenemies for years, with me unwilling to do the work to forge a lifelong friendship. I had great examples of budgeting growing up. My dad religiously balanced his checkbook every Saturday evening on paper and again Quicken. I just didn’t give a damn. My allowance was always paid in full, parents never complained about money, and I got pretty much anything I asked for. I didn’t plan around money because it always flowed to me through my parents, and then later work. However, these examples set me up for failure later on in life. I wasn’t shown how to manage the money I was given beyond paying bills and throwing some aside in savings. That financial “advice” has bitten me in the ass for about fifteen years now. Recent months of listening to audiobooks on financial planning have reversed those misfortunes and I have a better understanding on how to make money work for me. The only issue? I do not have much of it coming in. However, I have not overdrafted since being in Spain despite the low monthly stipend. This shows me that I have learned lessons from those financial pitfalls and can now successfully budget and live off a reduced income. My next step is implementing these lessons in a higher paying job. The best part? I’m returning back to my home country during a time of job uncertainty and recession woes. Do I know what will happen? No, but at least this time, I have a plan and that plan is being executed.