CenLa

This one is going to be straight up stream of consciousness.

I write this post from Tamp & Grind, a local coffee shop in my hometown of Alexandria, Louisiana. Alexandria is the economic anchor of Central Louisiana, aka CenLa. Tamp and Grind did not exist when I left for college in the fall of 2007. It’s one of the few businesses that is surviving in downtown which is sad if you were to visit the city and see what the downtown could offer or used to offer. My parents were raised here back before the city integrated. They recall taking the bus into the downtown area and visiting the various mostly locally owned clothing stores, restaurants, and businesses. Those businesses slowly started to leave downtown once the mall was built. That mall now? Dying. The two anchors, Dillards and JC Penney, are middling commercial depots of life support. The food court is more of a snack cafeteria. Crime is high. The growing divide between middle/upper class and the lower class continues to grow. The main industries here appear to be fast food and the two large hospitals here. There are about 4 dialysis centers.

Brain drain. Evangelical nonsense. No work opportunities. Corrupt politicians. Dilapidated houses and drugs. Crime. Nothing for children or adults to do. These are the main issues in the city that several people pointed out when I posted a TikTok inquiring about why the city the way it is. As of writing this, the post has 34k views in a city of 45k. People here are frustrated. They want change but either do not know how to fight effectively or their apathetic. For my part, since arriving two months ago, I have met with small business owners, attended a few city council meetings, and one meeting with an economic authority here to see what the hell is going on. Why is this city in such a decline? Yes, industry from the neighboring Pineville has left, taking with it hundreds of high-paying and stable jobs from the area. And that’s not an issue solely in CenLa; it’s occurring in other parts of Louisiana – mostly north of I-10. From an outsider’s perspective, it appears as though Baton Rouge has forgotten about the 318. But we do not need the capital city’s approval to reinvigorate what’s here.

I never envisioned myself coming back here, but now that I am back, it’s a serious WTF. I will do something to help but I wonder how far I can get. Luckily, there are people here who have started doing the work. A few of them seem to be skeptical of long term change as well and are convinced that the powers that be are pulling the strings behind the scene. That may or may not be true, but what I know is that those strings can be cut. Or better yet, they can be redirected somewhere else. The beautiful thing about social media is that it can be used as a tool. One for organizing and brainstorming ideas. In an area like this, people need hope, open discussions, and organization. I am not saying that person is me. I am not here to be some sort of savior for the area, but if I’m gonna be here for an undisclosed amount of time, then I might as well make the best of it. It pisses me off to see a city like slowly losing its luster when it doesn’t have to. It’s geographically in an advantageous spot. But how can things improve if the current mayor is the same one that was here when I left for college in 2007??? It’s not entirely his fault, obviously, but a leader of any organization or populated area has to bear some responsibility for the state of their constituents. Am I running for office? Also, absolutely not. What I will do, however, is continue to attend local government and economic meetings to learn about what’s going on.

As an American citizen, I see too often how people place the blame of their woes on the president or Washington. We can improve our livelihoods if we redirect our attention to local and state elections. We are 50 states with varying degrees of average life span, income, healthcare access, and education. That should clue some people in as to what needs to be the focus – local elections. In order for that to happen, people also need to be more educated on what their local governments do and when those elections are. Maybe I am taking off more than I can chew by getting involved in local affairs, but I refuse to be one of those people who profits or gains social media popularity from complaining. The current ecosystem is a bunch of yelling from both sides about what the issue are, but no one is offering solutions. Shut the hell up for moment and let’s come up with practical solutions instead of just bitching and moaning. And no, we may not be able to change things at a national level yet, but we can start local. Forward momentum is momentum nonetheless. The Montgomery Alabama bus boycott started small, but its effects led to the emergence of Dr. King, as well as the Supreme Court ruling public transportation segregation by race as unconstitutional. So let’s change our communities for the betterment of everyone. I’m gonna start in CenLa – what about you?

It’s been awhile

“I know I shouldn’t have kept you waiting, but I’m here now,” – Britney Thee Spears.

Honestly, “Break the Ice” is a top tier single from one of the pop album bibles that is known as Blackout. The thing about blogs is, well, they are what you make them out to be. Journals of late night thoughts, recaps of eventful weekends, wistful ruminations, ambitious dreams, lists, unfinished prose, the list goes on. Mine began as many blogs begin – a return to a form of creative expression that arose out of boredom. I was all over blogging in the early-to-mid aughts. Xanga, livejournal, you name it. Even tumblr before it went downhill. But while social media was evolving into the data collecting, dopamine seducing behemoth that it is now, my love of blogging, and writing in general began to wane. Likes, favorites, and pics replaced oxford commas and complete sentences. I began to replace writing with other habits drinking, partying, failed relationshiping, adderalling. All of these began in 2008 – freshman year of college. Looking back, I wonder if the absence of writing contributed to my rise in hedonism. But that’s something to ponder another day with either my therapist (a swamp Spanish oak tree) or Buddha.

Quick life update’s since it’s been awhile:

I lost 30 pounds.

I have returned to the United States. In Louisiana. Back in with my parents. And I couldn’t be happier for the journey to come. I feel a sense of burgeoning entrepreneurship replacing my hedonistic ways. The time calls for embracing the new while recharging in the familiar. To move steady like a meandering bayou. pi ijihui

Thank god Pluto is out of Capricorn.

Laissez les bon temps rouler

28 days

28 days until my contract ends in Spain. Will I return to the US? More than likely, yes. Do I have a return flight booked? No. Do I have the funds to book one? Also, no. I’m not really worried about the logistics of returning home, I just am not sure how it’ll happen at the moment. Many things are uncertain as this moment in time, but I suppose that is all what life is – a series of uncertainties that unfold before our eyes. Life’s plans and our own may not always be our own, but eventually, they become our reality. Right now, I’m excited about the uncertainty. I have to be. So much of the internal work on myself these past few months has been shifting my mindset, going from glass-half-empty mentality to glass-half-full. I’d be lying if I said the negative thoughts don’t creep in and try to amplify their presence, but they serve no purpose. The perceived dangers of my mind aren’t really dangers – especially things like finding a job or coming up with money for a return ticket – these are simply inconveniences. I am, however, tired of habits that leave me in situations like this. At 36, I can be excited about the unknown, but not completely unprepared for it.

For years, I saw myself doing other things because others did them. I began playing violin in sixth grade because my elementary school best friend, Stephen, began the year prior. Perhaps it’s the Aries in me, but I am extremely competitive and wanted to be better than him at something. Funny thing is, Stephen and I no longer attended school together after fifth grade, however, I continued to play violin for rest of my academic career, making in to All-State the last two years of high school and taking enough classes in university to earn a concentration. Now, I pick up the violin about twice a year with feeble attempts to play concertos from memory, lamenting at the bygone abilities. Years of playing the violin with no clear end goal planned. In my defense, I began playing at eleven which isn’t exactly an age where people figure things out. But I also didn’t know how to navigate taking lessons once I completed university eleven years later. There was no plan, there never was. For eleven years, I developed a talent that I let fall to the wayside all because I had no plan.

I’m not trying to be that guy anymore. I’m not that guy anymore. Make a decision – stick to it. If it turns out that I do not like the decision, I made, pivot. But pivot with intention. My biggest hurdle to overcome is finances. Luckily, I am not someone with a lot of credit card debt, a majority of my debt is from student loans. Those are manageable, hell, in my mind, they’re nonexistent. Oops. Now overdrafting is where my star shines brightest. I’ve been overdrafting since my student checking account, which if you’re keeping track, that’s more years than I played violin. Budgeting and I do not stick. We have been frenemies for years, with me unwilling to do the work to forge a lifelong friendship. I had great examples of budgeting growing up. My dad religiously balanced his checkbook every Saturday evening on paper and again Quicken. I just didn’t give a damn. My allowance was always paid in full, parents never complained about money, and I got pretty much anything I asked for. I didn’t plan around money because it always flowed to me through my parents, and then later work. However, these examples set me up for failure later on in life. I wasn’t shown how to manage the money I was given beyond paying bills and throwing some aside in savings. That financial “advice” has bitten me in the ass for about fifteen years now. Recent months of listening to audiobooks on financial planning have reversed those misfortunes and I have a better understanding on how to make money work for me. The only issue? I do not have much of it coming in. However, I have not overdrafted since being in Spain despite the low monthly stipend. This shows me that I have learned lessons from those financial pitfalls and can now successfully budget and live off a reduced income. My next step is implementing these lessons in a higher paying job. The best part? I’m returning back to my home country during a time of job uncertainty and recession woes. Do I know what will happen? No, but at least this time, I have a plan and that plan is being executed.

Pouring one out for the homie

Daily writing prompt
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
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If we want to be honest, alcohol is the real gateway drug. I have tried a plethora of different substances while inebriated that I never would have otherwise, so choosing to stop drinking was one of the best changes I’ve made. It’s only been 95 days, but the mental, physical, and spiritual improvements are remarkable.

The pandemic exacerbated my drinking, so much to the point where my work started take a toll. It got worse after my ex-fiancé and I ended our engagement. And it went over the edge during the year we lived together after the breakup. Current me is laughing at how stupid of a decision that was, but 2021 was drinking excessively, eating edibles like candy, and we’ll just leave it at that. I was showing up late to my remote job, I was irritable, the texture of my skin was a mess, and I was spending way too much money on late night take out and Uber drives to and from the bars. Worst of all, I was getting fat. Two years of excessive drinking will do that to you, and by 2023, I was 34 and my metabolism might as well have been 50. Having excessive visceral fat was the main catalyst for losing weight and ceasing alcohol consumption. My vanity was saving me from my gluttony.

Since then, I have experienced cycles of stopping and starting – the longest I have gone without alcohol is 7 months. I take note of the triggers and find ways to redirect them. I have not yet decided if sobriety will be a lifelong thing for me, but I am extremely proud of the progress made. This process has helped me with other addictions. For example, I recently had to contend with the excessive amount of screentime I was logging on Tiktok and deleted the app from my phone. When I think that something is impossible to give up, I recall all the days and nights I would drink and how it is not a part of my life at this time. If I can put down the bottle, I can deny myself of the cheap dopamine hits from likes, comments, and reposts. It’s a lifestyle change I happily embrace and support anyone who does the same. And I’m down 15 lbs.

Passions

Daily writing prompt
Which aspects do you think makes a person unique?
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The way a person’s entire being shifts when they talk about something they love or obsess over. Furrowed brows, a titled head, expressive eyes, gesticulating, the differing inflections in tone of voice. So many people have that one thing that makes their eyes light up and watching them describe it is a joy…usually

Unraveling

Some people say that life will start to seem more chaotic and old habits will creep back when you attempt to shift into a new reality. As my project management certification date inches closer, I have faced increasing difficulty in focused studying, so much so that I almost broke my 3 month sobriety to have a beer. For whatever reason, my brain was using bizarre techniques to prevent me from reaching a goal. The doom-scrolling has reached insane levels. As it stands, Tik-Tok is the only social media app I use and have managed to rack up almost 4 hours of scrolling every day for the past week, compared to the usual 90 minutes. In addition to the self-induced mind games, I called my boyfriend yesterday on his way to a funeral. By the end of our over hour plus long conversation, we were no longer dating. As it turns out, me being in Spain and him being in Houston is proving to be more difficult on him than he imagined. I don’t blame him. It has not been easy. I have felt myself starting to drift away emotionally which could be due to a number of reasons. The shitty part is that this was my healthiest relationship by far and it didn’t even last a year. It’s also not lost on me that our relationship ended as he was on his way to a funeral. A funeral in New Orleans of all places.

I’m not going to go into the binge eating I’ve done in the past week. You know you need help when you under report meals and snacks in a calorie tracking app.

My now ex-boyfriend and I broke up over cell phone, my brain is trying to to end my sobriety, and I can’t stop eating chocolate croissants. And Trump is bringing back segregation? Maybe I will stay in Spain. This next breakthrough better be good.

Online Outside

As a square, yellow sponge once said, “I’m ready.” What exactly am I ready for? Well, for starters, spring is right around the corner, so I am ready to be outside. The winter blues were not particularly ominous this go around, which is most certainly due to the sunny winters of Andalusia. Interacting with hyperactive 12 to 18 year olds on an almost daily basis has also probably held some mood-boosting benefits. Winter was dare I say enjoyable this go around. The holidays were inexpensive. I went to 0 Christmas parties and have not had a drop of alcohol since January 1st. On the flip side, I have spent most of my free time indoors and in the same pueblo. My non-work social interactions are limited to my roommate and the grocery store workers. So it is time to switch that up. One thing I have often struggled with is being selfish. Back in the day, it was easy for me to not initiate contact with a friend for days at a time. I did not want to be a nuisance. I have had a deep-seated fear since childhood of being perceived as annoying. As I matured, that fear manifested itself as coming off as aloof to strangers, or disinterested to friends. Over the years and through therapy, I have broken down that belief and become a more emotionally involved friend, greatly improving my interpersonal skills. Now as I work on involving myself more with this blog and my TikTok, I find myself needing to apply irl friendship skills online. As I work on growing my online presence, I am tasked with finding, interacting, and following with other creators whose work I enjoy. Following someone is easy, but for whatever reason, I still feel weird leaving comments saying how much I enjoy someone else’s content. I’m sure this is something to bring to my therapist one day, but online, it’s important to remember that none of us exist in a vacuum. I am almost certain no one is going to feel some type of way about me enjoying their content and leaving a comment reflecting that. If this period of isolation has taught me anything, it’s that all of my insecurites are in my own head and that there’s no need to feed into them. Outside of me, they don’t exist, so why should they exist inside of me? And besides, as a millenial, I’ve been online for decades…what the fuck do I have to be scared of? So here’s to making friends online again!

Catchy Title Goes Here, Right?

It has come to my attention, by me, that I have not put forth the time and effort into this blog that I initially set out to do. New ideas, I am full of them. Following through consistently? To quote Mariah Carey, “I don’t know her.” I have been this way for as long as I can remember, full of dreams and plans but haphazard in execution and follow through. But I am changing that aspect of myself, along with many others and what better way to do that than with an introduction. Apologies in advance, the word personal “I” will appear frequently in this post, but I (see??) promise this is not an Ayn Rand levels self-objectivity.

My name is Jean David. I am 35 years of age, at least for another month. I grew up in a town in Louisiana not necessarily associated with the quintessential Louisiana culture, but the culture exists there nonetheless. I have two wonderful parents who are coming up on 48 years of marriage. I have two much older sisters (52 and 46), as well as a nephew and niece (25 and 19). In school and growing up, I was chatty, creative, competitive, distracted, and flippant. I made good grades, played violin and a variety of sports with tennis being the one I favored the most. In high school, I was active and ended up being senior class president. As social as I was, I also had a lot of alone time. Part of this I attribute to the location of my childhood home. Our town has about 50000 inhabitants, but my parents lived on the outskirts. A single road with about 70 stately, middle class homes, each sitting on approximately 2 acres. There were some neighborhood children, but not a ton. After graduating from high school, I went off to college in Jackson Mississippi. I attended a PWI and was in a fraternity. My college experience was as good as I made it. The professors were fantastic, I made great friends, and took advantage of the opportunities presented before me. My intended major was not offered, so I self-designed the Latin American Studies major for myself. To my surprise, two colleagues from my year joined in and we became the first Latin American Studies graduates from our institution. To this day, the major is still offered. In 2011, I graduated with a double major in LAS + Spanish, along with a concentration in violin. I study abroad twice, a summer in the Yucatán peninsula, and seven month semester in Salvador da Bahia, Brazil.

I left college with the intent to do something non-profit, or government, or academic. I was unsure, but those fields spoke to me. I wanted to move to Chicago and spent practically the entire summer looking for jobs there only to end up in Lewisville, Texas, a sad excuse of city part of the DFW metroplex, working in the pre-foreclosure department of a mortgage lender. I had fun while there, but it was not what I wanted to do. I spent the next few years perusing and considering different graduate school programs, enrolling in prep courses, taking my LSAT, switching careers. In the over 10+ years since undergrad, I have held jobs mostly in finance and energy, with a focus in business analytics and project management. I have also spent sometime in upscale retail, travel consulting, and of course, my current job as a foreign language assistant in Spain.

Spain has opened my eyes in ways in which I was not prepared. The opening has been slow but necessary. I am in a fairly remote village that completely dies at 9pm during the week, and not much happens on the weekend. Growing up, I was raised Baptist and sometimes attended Catholic mass which I preferred due to the shorter service time. Now, I practice Nichiren Buddhism – we are the ones who chant nam myoho renge kyo. I have known about the practice since childhood because my aunt and uncle are longtime practicers. However, I began my journey around three years ago after, what? Yup, you guessed it, after a boy broke my heart. He was technically my fiancé, but that is no longer important and neither is his place in my life, though I wish him well. Rumor has it he is cheating on his current boyfriend but who am I to gossip? Anyway, Buddhism has helped me navigate the solitude of this journey in Spain. I have allowed myself to slow down and figure out what path makes sense for me given everything I enjoy, excel in, and have learned. As silly as it sounds, I found a career that speaks to me and my interests. Without going too much into it, I discovered a program that would not have found out if it weren’t for being in this cultural exchange in Spain.

Localization project management speaks to my love of languages, culture, collaboration, learning, etc. Honestly, it felt weird typing that out. I feel sheepish sharing my interests at times if I don’t think others would find them impressive. But it is what I want to do at this moment in my life and I am committed to doing it. I am committed to taking and passing my CAPM certification exam and finding a job in localization project management – one in Spain. I do not feel the need to return to the US at this moment. I am also committed to improving my Spanish, Portuguese, French and picking up Mandarin. I am also committed to nurturing my childhood interests – getting back into playing violin, resuming tennis, learning how to dance, to sing on-key. To develop physically, spiritually, fiscally HELLO. This blog post came about because I recently posted on TikTok that I am done not showing up for mysefl. It is easy for me to break promises to myself and not be accountable. I have 0 children and am the youngest and only male child, so I do not really owe anyone anything in a societal sense. But I owe it to myself to not give up and to bring forth all the love that was poured into me and turn into something more amazing than myself. I want to build community and empower others to realize we are more than our circumstances. I want to do something like bring clean, sustainable energy to underdeveloped places. I want to grow this blog, my TikTok, my fledgling media enterprises into a greater business. I want to change my internal environment so that my outer one reflects the inner beauty, expanse and love. And I will do all of those things and more. Lead with Love. Do the work. Reap the rewards. Share the love. This is my mantra. And this is me. “I’m real” – some woman Mariah Carey doesn’t know.

And if it wasn’t obvious – lambily –

Just Do It

Thank goodness for free will. Sometimes, I forget that I have the option to do what I want. Honestly, one constant of my life is wanting to do too many things simultaneously. Having multiple interests and adhd does tend to cause analysis paralysis. However, my main issue is waiting for inspiration or the “right moment” to do something. But inspiration fades. And so does motivation.

Recently, I decided to learn Mandarin Chinese. It’s an idea that has been in the back of my mind for the better part of a decade. I’m a person who takes to foreign languages easily. While in university, I combined Spanish major with one in Latin American Studies, and being an overachiever, I also studied French and Portuguese. Many years have passed since my undergraduate studies, but I still maintain conversational skills in French and Portuguese. With learning Mandarin, I would unlock the ability to speak with about a billion other people and really challenge my mind to something far removed from the Indo-European language family. I crave a challenge, but I also am a creature of procrastination, so naturally, when I decided to learn Mandarin, my mind to me to wait. After all, I’m in Spain right now, and my Spanish can still use some ayuda. Why start now and confuse myself? I let this be for a couple of days before I realized I was doing myself a disservice by not at least starting a lesson. If it proved to be too difficult, then I would take a pause until my contract in Spain ended. The best time to start something is yesterday, and I had already let too many yesterdays fade into the ether.

The more I reflected on my decision, the more I the behavior was a pattern. Wanting to wait until the first of the month to start budgeting. Or wanting to wait until Sunday to begin anew habit. But why wait? I’m alive now, I should strive to make the change now. I know there are psychological reasons behind why this happens, and I’m sure my childhood has something to do with it, but every pattern can be broken and replaced with a better one. Unfortunately, that can take a long time, and patience is not one of my strengths. Yet. Motivation is not always going to be present in the moment, but I can be dedicated to showing up just a little bit for any lifestyle change.

Ni Hao